Chapter Six – A love held back

Alaya could not figure out how though. She was too young and immature to even the idea of ‘conquering one’s love.’ She’d asked her friends about it and they did give her some ideas.

“You’ve got to show him some signs, you know?” one of her closest friends had said, making it seem like it should be so obvious to her. But Alaya had no clue at all as to what those ‘signs’ were. Was it the way she walked past by him? Was it the way she combed her hair? Was it the way she looked? Was it by the way she’d start a conversation with him?

Alaya played out all those scenes in her head and found none of them working. It was impossible for her to imagine herself doing any of it with Raphael and getting any attention from him. Alaya thought that he was too mature of a boy to get carried away by such small things.

As a result, she hopelessly counted days while looking at Raphael from a distance. When she was just about to give up all hope about being with Raphael, something amazing happened.

It was one of those tiring first days after the weekend as Alaya dragged her feet out of the house. A few weeks after school started, her mother and grandmother decided not to look out for her anymore because clearly, she reached school every single day without getting eaten by a beast or whatever they assumed. So Alaya started walking to school on her own, with a backpack on one shoulder and a file in her hand that she took every day with her English worksheets. The file was quite a nuisance for Alaya that day since she’d just tucked all the recent worksheets into the paper file because she was just too lazy to punch and attach them neatly. As she was nearing Raphael’s house, Alaya wanted to look her best. For her, she looked best when she wore her backpack on both shoulders. So she reached out for the other shoulder strap and wore the bag as she usually does. In doing so, she didn’t realize that one of her worksheets had slipped out of her file. She was too busy looking at the closed door of Raphael’s house with the chickens and the cow doing their thing in front of it. She thought of waiting for him to come out but didn’t dare to do so thinking of what he might think of her.

So she kept walking, sighing gloomily as she walked past the door, being close to sure that she won’t see him today. But as she was getting near the gates of the school she heard a call from behind.

“Alaya! Wait up!!” Alaya stopped on her track as she heard Raphael’s voice, along with the sound of him making a run towards her. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw him getting closer to her as she turned around.

“Guess this is yours….I am so sorry that this happened. I came out of home to find the hens pecking on this. Is this important?” Raphael asked, as he showed Alaya her worksheet which was now all wrinkled and full of holes due to the feeding done by his hens. A shiver went down Alaya’s spine as she remembered her very strict English teacher. She was even more scared when she realized that the worksheet was supposed to be submitted for marking that day. It was not good! The teacher who always found Alaya to be careless was going to have the time of her life embarrassing her today.

“Alaya?” Raphael called her, as she stood silent. She spoke as she came to her senses.

“Yes! Yes it is important. I’m so dead!” Alaya said, covering her face.

“Well….you could tell your teacher what happened and ask for a copy.” Raphael suggested.

“I’ve done that way too many times with my lost worksheets before! Can’t bring myself to say it anymore!!” Alaya confessed honestly in worry. She could not even believe she just told the ultimatum of a responsible human being about how reckless she was.

“Oh! Then….maybe I could talk to your teacher about what happened. It was my fault anyway. Had I finished the cage I’ve been making for the ladies at home, this tragedy would not have happened. So I’m talking to your teacher. Who is it?” Raphael said comfortingly as he started walking with the paper still in his hand.

“Miss Fathima.” Alaya answered, as she walked with Raphael looking at him dreamily. She literally saw him nothing less than a prince charming at the moment who was rescuing her from an evil witch. It was a bit extreme to imagine Miss Fathima as a witch but overall the plot in her mind made her feel good.

“Miss Fathima…..must be the lady who could silent the Hulk!” Raphael said in a serious tone giving Alaya a sly smile. Alaya ended up laughing out loud at the unexpected humour.

“How’d you know my name by the way?” Alaya asked with a blushing smile. Raphael pointed at the line on the worksheet where Alaya had written her name.

“Guess the chickens did not like the flavor of that part.” Raphael said and Alaya ended up chuckling again.

That marked the beginning of Alaya and Raphael’s friendship. Raphael had talked to Miss Fathima in defense of Alaya as he promised. And he made sure Alaya got an extra copy though the argument did prolong. He exchanged smiles with Alaya as they went home at different paces as Raphael was in a rush to go to work. From the next day, Raphael coincidentally came out of home the moment Alaya reached his house. This ‘coincident’ started happening over and over and Alaya even started waiting for Raphael to come out on days he’d be late. Alaya found herself accompanying Raphael on the bench he’d sit alone. As they talked, Alaya realized how intellectual Raphael was, way beyond her expectations. He had a love for learning, unlike most popular boys who had either a love for fame or a love of test scores. He’d share with Alaya his aspirations of having a business.

“Starting a business is not that difficult if you think about it you see? It’s all about starting small and persevering even when you face a failure or loss. Just like in life, if you choose to be stuck with your thoughts in a loss, you will never move forward. But if you keep persevering in taking the right steps in doing the right thing, your heart will be fixed and it will be at rest. Just like Mama says. Shaithaan wants you to be stuck on your moment of weakness. But Allah wants you repent, be full of hope and move on.” Raphael had said. The last words he said made Alaya wince. She never thought she’d hear an ‘Islamic lecture’ from her soon to be boyfriend. But there she was listening to him.

Alaya thought of sharing that conversation with someone. But she did not want to tell her friends about Raphael as she was sure they would make fun of her for falling for Raphael. Her sister Asma would have a similar reaction as she looked down on anyone who was less fortunate than them. So Alaya just kept her relationship with Raphael to herself except for the part where she told Asma that she has a crush on someone without telling the guy’s name though Asma pleaded for long. Alaya bitterly thought of how even her father will not agree for her to marry someone like Raphael because he was way too low in his status. But Alaya became hopeful about the future every time she remembered Raphael’s plan. Every night, she’d imagine Raphael becoming a successful businessman one day and proposing her for marriage when both of them were ready for it.

Alaya only imagined the future, along with what will happen in the present. Raphael’s actions clearly told Alaya that he wanted to be close to her as well. The way he would voluntarily start a conversation with her, the way he’d wait for her at his home until she reached, the way he looked at her momentarily were enough signs for Alaya to be sure that it wasn’t a one-sided relationship. So Alaya waited. Waited for Raphael to confess first. Because that was the safer way and she was not one who’d take a chance of getting rejected.

However, an entire year passed without the climax to her love story. Raphael did not confess to her and neither did she find the courage to tell him how she felt. Alaya’s heart ached as she packed her things to go back to New York as her father found a new job. She hadn’t told Raphael about it because it was just too painful.

The entire family started their journey in a taxi towards the railway station. About an hour later, they were boarding on an old steam train. Alaya felt sick in the stomach as she got on the train, knowing she might never see Raphael again. As she took her seat next to Asma, she suddenly realized that she left her backpack on the bench. Telling her mother about it, Alaya rushed out of the train. As looked both sides and started walking towards the left, where she saw her bag on a bench, she saw none other than Raphael, who was walking hurriedly, looking through the windows of the train. Alaya slowed down absent-mindedly as she saw him and the same happened when he saw her. It took a few seconds for both of them to reach one another.

“You going?” Raphael asked, with a pain in his voice that was crystal clear to Alaya.

“Yeah…” Alaya whispered, hoping her tears won’t build up.

“You never told me.” Raphael said.

“I….was going to tell you but didn’t get the chance.” Alaya said.

“You are not coming back?”

“No….not until my father still has a job in New York. Hehe…”

“Oh…”

Silence fell between them. Neither knew what to say or do about the situation they were in. Just then, Alaya noticed a folded paper in Raphael’s hand.

“What’s that?”

“Its just a sketch you gave me. Thought of returning it to you. Actually it’s the reason why I came….” Raphael said, miserably trying to lie. He unfolded the paper and showed it to Alaya. It was a sketch of Raphael she made that she found quite funny. His nose was too big, eyes way too far apart. She’d shared it with him as a joke to laugh at.

“Hehe…..isn’t he pretty? You know what? You could keep it. Maybe one day you could publish that as your picture on the newspaper when you get famous. Or maybe I could make a better one for such a thing.” Alaya said the last sentence hesistantly, as she still hoped to see Raphael in the future.

“Yes you could. I’d give the international bestselling artist a call. Make sure you remember to give the old friend a discount!” Raphael said and Alaya ended up laughing. Just then, they heard the sound of the train and both of them looked in that direction.

“Gotta run! Goodbye Raphael…” Alaya slowed down, as she was just about to rush and realized these might be the last words she’d say to Raphael.

“Bye Alaya.” Raphael said and the train chooed again, slowly starting to move. Alaya ran towards the bench, fetched her bag and got on the train from one of the compartment doors. She looked at Raphael as the train moved and he got further and further away from her. She kept looking, until he was completely out of her sight and her heart sank in sadness and regret. She regretted everything she held back all of a sudden. How she held back from properly saying goodbye to Raphael. How she held back from telling Raphael that she was going beforehand. How she held back from confessing her love to him. What had she done?

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Message of the chapter:

“Shaithaan wants you to dwell on your moment of weakness. Allah wants you to repent and move on.” – Anonymous