Chapter Fifteen – Concealed grief

Alaya had her eyes wide opened, as she saw the man in front of her. The first thing that came to her mind as she saw that face was the sketch she’d made a few weeks ago. The face in front of her was the exact same face on her sketch. The handsome face, the attractive green eyes and the eyebrows that gave him a bold look. The dark brown hair reminded her of a picture she saw much more recently than that sketch. Soon she realized that it was a picture from a magazine and within a split second, her breath caught in her throat when she realized who stood so close right in front of her.

It was none other than Raphael. The boy that was so different from the other boys that Alaya has ever met. The boy for whom she fell for even before she could fully comprehend what love meant. The boy that she had left behind without confessing her feelings to him. And there he was once again. Looking right into her eyes as clueless of what to say as she was. It was hard for Alaya to comprehend the emotions that hid behind his eyes. She wasn’t sure if he was pained or surprised to see her.

With her heart racing within her chest, Alaya involuntarily gave a light smile to the man who was looking at her intently. It didn’t occur to her why Raphael would be standing at that door at that time. All she could care about was she got to see him once again. But it didn’t take long for reality to hit Alaya when she heard Laana’s voice from behind Raphael.

“Who is it babe?” Laana asked, tying her hair into a bun reaching up to Raphael. Alaya’s smile faded as Laana stood next to Raphael. Just as she was about to reach a conclusion that made her weak in the knees, Laana spoke again.

“Oh its only you Alaya! Raphael, this is the girl who is living with us for rent. Alaya, this is Raphael, my husband.” Laana said and an uneasy silence fell between them. Alaya looked at Raphael as she felt her heart sink. She tried to find any ounce of emotion from that poker face that might be hidden just for her. But she failed when he spoke.

“Nice to meet you Alaya. Hope you find everything comfortable. You’d have to sign an agreement with us. Not because we have trust issues with you but because we’ve been cheated on a lot these days. I will get all the papers ready for tonight. Laana, would you explain the agreement, negotiate with her on the amount she would pay and make her sign? I have an online conference to attend tonight.” Raphael said, looking at his wife. Alaya looked at him shocked at the unusually calm voice as he spoke about her. It was as though he didn’t even know her. As though she was a complete stranger to him. But how could that be? It mustn’t be that he didn’t recognize her. Her face went through little to no change from her childhood. And he probably knows that she is an Egyptian girl from New York through his wife. AND her name is Alaya! He must know her!

But Alaya was in doubt about it when Laana assured him that she would do as he said and she gave him a peck on the cheek. Alaya felt uneasy when she saw Raphael giving Laana a tight smile. Alaya knew deep inside that it couldn’t have meant much but it was still a smile. Raphael turned his back to both of them without even looking back at Alaya. This disturbed her more than she expected.

“Quite a busy man he is. But he always makes sure he gives me his time. He cant even help it anyway, lol!” Laana said with a laugh. Alaya could not help but cross her eyebrows at her. She quickly walked inside the house towards her room upstairs.

The moment she reached the room, she got inside and slammed the door behind her. She walked in her fast pace, kept her handbag on the study table and began to take off her shawl deciding to change and be in the moment as much as possible. But she kept imagining Raphael’s face even as she was undoing her shawl. She could not help but picture the seriousness on his face as he looked at her and the smile he showed to Laana. The last words that Laana said to her kept echoing in her head. When she finally took off her shawl and dropped it on her shoulder, her smooth hair automatically undid as well. Alaya pressed her hands flat on the table as she took deep breaths.

She took her look at her reflection on the mirror. Her crooked eyebrows could affirm anyone that she was sad, despite the fact that it was not what she wanted. Why should she be sad? Over a man who she didn’t even talk to for years? Was it the fact that it was her ‘first love.’? Was it the fact that she loved him at one point and she thought he loved her too but now it appeared that she was completely unimportant to him? Or was it the fact that Laana was trying to show off her relationship with Raphael just too much to make her jealous?

No matter what it was, Alaya knew that the emotions that were harboring in her heart at the moment were unhealthy. They were in fact destructive. Never in her entire life did Alaya think that she would be jealous of any girl because of a man. No! This wasn’t her. This shouldn’t be. She had to make her thoughts right. So what if Raphael is married to Laana? His marriage had to happen one day or the other. What was she expecting? For him to come back to her like some Romeo who was brave enough to face her father? When she was the one who left him behind without saying anything about wanting to get back together? She would be a fool if she thought about that even once.

Instead, she should take this as a chance to forget about Raphael altogether. That was it! Perhaps it was destined for her to forget Raphael. And it was destined that she would meet someone even better than him who would love her just as much if not more. That was it!

Alaya promised herself right from that moment to come to terms with the fact that she had lost Raphael. For life. And though that was a difficult thing for her to digest, she decided to do so. For peace of her own heart. For the hope of living the life that she dreamt of.

For a few days, that was easy for Alaya to do. Particularly because of the fact that she barely saw Raphael though they lived under the same roof. Raphael would usually be at work till late at night and even when he was home, he’d usually be in his room. Of course Laana used that as an opportunity to make Alaya jealous by saying that he was tired because of the time they’d spent together.

But Alaya found that hard to believe. It didn’t seem to her that there was a meaningful relationship between Laana and Raphael. Alaya saw them having dinner together a couple of nights within a month and even when they sat together, there was a silence. It won’t be far from the truth to say that Alaya never saw Raphael’s full smile even once since she started seeing him in that house. It reminded her of how he was in school before they were friends. It seemed as though he was lonely all over again. Alaya wondered about that in her heart promising herself not to talk to anyone about it. But ended up asking the maid in the house about Raphael’s behavior. To her surprise, she got to know that Raphael and Laana had gotten married just a few weeks ago.

“I never saw him smile either though a man should be happiest during the early days of marriage. He appears to be a very serious man. To be honest I feel that he is irritated by Laana’s constant demands to get stuff. She would criticize him for having secret charity funds that he starts anonymously in different parts of the state to help poor people.” Jia said, while working on the steak on the stove as Alaya chopped away the vegetables on the other counter.

“Where is his father?” Alaya asked, remembering Raphael’s interview from the magazine.

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen his father ever even though I have been in this house working for Raphael for the past 3 years. But he does occasionally go somewhere to meet his father. From the hearsay, I think his father is very sick. Laana gets mad even when he talks about his father.” Jia explained and Alaya was lost in thoughts. She felt sad in her heart when she realized how difficult of a life Raphael was living. And more so to realize that he wasn’t loved, the way he deserved to be. She felt anger towards Laana in her heart as well but tried to control her emotions as she let out a sigh.

That wasn’t the only new thing Alaya learned about Raphael. As the days passed, Alaya realized that Raphael was extremely punctual with his prayers. Alaya hadn’t seen this side of Raphael in the past, though he talked about Allah and His Messenger (SAW) as things that his Mama taught him. It didn’t even suit an intelligent person like Raphael to be serious about a religion in Alaya’s eyes. Perhaps he was holding onto it, to hold onto the memories of his mother, Alaya thought.

But Alaya soon realized that it was more than that, when she heard Raphael advising even Laana to pray, knowing for sure that she would reject. She made fun of him for giving such advice too. But Raphael kept advising her, quoting some ayahs from the Quran as well. It took Alaya by surprise to know that Raphael knew the meanings of those ayahs as well. She was in fact moved by one of the advices that he gave.

“Why shouldn’t we pray? It’s the One Who created us who commanded us to pray. He is the One Who Knows us more than we know ourselves. He is the One Who Knows what is the absolute best for us. If you are so sure of your fate, why do you fear your death? Why don’t you wish for it if you are sure that you will be ok even after it?” Alaya overheard a conversation Raphael had with Laana.

“Lets not start with this all over again Raphael. I come from a Muslim family but I simply don’t believe in all this nonsense.” Laana said angrily.

“Before you call it nonsense, make sure you’ve had a proper look at the Quran for yourself. Instead of listening what your athiest friends are saying. When was the last time you tried to learn something about the Quran? If you never even tried to search what it holds, how could you close-mindedly pass a judgement on it?” Raphael asked. His last question made Alaya think. Even her thoughts were quite the same as Laana’s. But unlike Laana who cursed even at the reasonable question Raphael asked and left, Alaya wanted to learn more from Raphael. But did not have the courage to go to him, when she saw him sighing and looking down with perhaps the sadness that his wife was simply not listening to him.

That night, Laana had gone out all dressed up. Alaya saw her leaving as the moment she left was when Alaya came out from the dining room into the living room. It seemed to Alaya that she was going to a party seeing the way she was dressed. The short sleeved knee length glittery dress made Alaya wince. Though she liked the pale colour of the dress, she wasn’t sure she’d be comfortable with a dress of such a length. She wondered if Raphael would be happy with his wife wearing such a dress. Thinking about it, Alaya made her way into the living room. It was then that Raphael came back home from work that night. He came in through the open door looking at is phone as Alaya watched him walk by.

“Jia have you seen Laan…” Raphael stopped the moment his eyes met Alaya’s. A moment of silence passed as it happened. But Alaya spoke, comprehending what Raphael was going to ask.

“Laana just left. I think she has gone to a party.” Alaya said.

“Oh….” Raphael said, with a pained look on his face. He looked at the screen on his phone and got lost in thoughts. At this point, Alaya was sure that not only was Laana disrespectful to Raphael in front of him. She was probably lying to him too. Alaya was hurt as she looked at Raphael’s changing expressions. With a rough sigh, he turned his back to Alaya. She felt a rush inside her as she saw his fast footsteps. Within a few seconds, Alaya called out involuntarily.

“Raphael…” Alaya called. Raphael stopped on his track but didn’t look back. As Alaya looked down, she saw his fist clench. That sight made Alaya feel a pain in her chest as she felt the grief that Raphael was trying to conceal.