Not forever alone, forever with my Lord
Ever since I was little, I had a fear of being alone. Not as in being alone in a room. But being left alone in life, even by those who are closest to me. I used to have ruminating thoughts about being left alone and not being able to survive because of it. (There is an entire story behind this fear which I will perhaps tell you in another post In Sha Allah).
After years of struggling through this fear, there came a day where I felt extremely alone. More alone than I had ever felt in my entire life. That was the day I realized that I had to let go off some things that I assumed would help me get over that fear. Because I got to know that they were no good for me.
When I decided to let go, it was as though my heart became empty. It was as though there was this huge hole in my heart that I didn’t know how to fill. Especially then because I became so sure that my fears of being alone were true, since even the things that were supposed to help me, failed in doing so.
Those days, I had a habit of reciting 2-4 pages of Quran after prayer. But this habit had broken due to the intense emotions I was going through. However, on this particular day, I decided to go back to the Quran. Recalling how the remembrance of Allah gives rest to the hearts.
It happened so that I had paused reciting Quran towards the end of Suratul Anbiya, few weeks before that day. When I resumed reciting with my shaky voice, trying my best to hold back my tears, it was the ayah describing a scene from the story of Yunus (AS). The scene where he called out to Allah from beneath multiple darknesses, while being inside the belly of the whale. Allah then describes how He swt had saved Yunus (AS) from that sadness and distress. And Allah says that that is how He saves the believers.
This story by itself had touched me. Because I felt myself being in a kind of darkness too. Darkness of the feelings that I didn’t know how to explain. Darkness of emotions that were eating away at me on the inside. Darkness of not even knowing how to ask for help.
But then I found myself reciting the next ayah.
وَزَكَرِيَّا إِذْ نَادَىٰ رَبَّهُ رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِي فَرْدًا
“And [mention] Zechariah, when he called to his Lord, “My Lord, do not leave me alone…” Suratul Anbiya, 89
I clearly remember that I could not finish the ayah. I was only able to recite up to that point. My sight got blurry with tears as I felt my shattering heart being held together.
Why did I feel like I was being pulled together? Because it was my Lord Who decided that I will be reciting that ayah right in that moment. It was my Lord Who made my tongue recite that dua just on that day, even when I didn’t know what to ask for. And the fact that He Himself, made me make that dua, is proof that He in fact will bring an end to the loneliness I was feeling.
All of a sudden, I felt less lonely. All of a sudden, I felt heard even without saying a word. All of a sudden I knew that I was in fact never alone. That my Lord has always been, and will always be by my side through His Knowledge.
To put this in context, the ayah is the dua of Zakariyya (AS), who was asking Allah for a son, though he had reached old age and his wife was barren. Perhaps the end of my feelings of loneliness felt as impossible to me, as an old man having a child.
But even that wasn’t impossible for Allah. Allah in fact gave Zakariyya (AS) an heir who will carry out his mission even after he was gone. Just like that, Allah did in fact help me with my fear of being alone.
Ever since that day, I came across sources from places I didn’t even expect, that helped me so much in healing from that fear. I still wonder about how far I’ve come and it is no less than a miracle to me. I can’t be more grateful for the fact that I no longer go through episodes of crying due to ruminating thoughts of being alone.
So if you have ever felt alone, remember this. Your Lord will never leave you alone. He Knows the deepest of your fears and reasons behind them. He Knows exactly what you need. He listens the most silent of your cries that no one else can possible hear. So hold on to Him. Ask from Him. Because He is your ultimate refuge. And once you find that refuge in Him, He Will send you people who will only add to the joy that you found in remembering Him. (In Sha Allah)
