Chapter Sixteen – Love lost into thin air

Thoughts jumbled up in Alaya’s mind as she contemplated on how to make the most of this opportunity that she got with Raphael. What should she tell him in this intense moment? Should she tell him about the long term love and admiration she had for him? Should she ask him why he got married to a woman like Laana? Whether he had forgotten about her? Whether he ever missed her? Whether he still wishes he could be with her?

Every single question that came to Alaya’s mind gave her a beeping red signal of it not being a good one. But she knew she had to say something too. Before it was too late. Before the moment got too awkward for her to say anything. And just as she saw Raphael taking a step forward, she uttered.

“Are you happy…..Raphael?” she ended up saying. And it took her by absolute surprise that she said something so selfless. It sounded dramatic too. But it was just right. Alaya kept looking at Raphael with her heart almost trying to beat out of her chest waiting for a response. But to her dismay, she saw him waiting for a short while and starting to walk away. Without looking back at her. Alaya felt her heart sinking as she saw Raphael going upstairs to his room. She couldn’t make anything out from the side of his face due to his fast pace. He ran the flight of stairs, reached his room and closed the door behind him. Alaya let out the breath she’d been holding at the sight.

Raphael’s POV

Raphael shut the door behind him and walked towards his bed in the same pace. He sat on the king-size bed and took his face to his hands. He saw her face the moment he closed his eyes. Her attractive gaze with her hazel eyes. Her cheeks that would turn red when she laughed joyfully. Her perfect smile that would take away all his worries. He felt so close to her at that moment and yet so far. His heart ached when he realized that was the reality of not just this moment, but his whole life though he wanted otherwise so desperately.

He had missed her. From the moment she was out of his sight when she got on that train from years ago, to this very moment. He had waited. Just in that station, hoping she would peak out through that door and give the slightest of clue that he was special to her. Just how she was so special to him. Just how much she meant to him.

He had lived a life full of hardships. From the accident of his parents, to having to work at a young age while going to school, to facing all the bullies in school. He never thought he would ever want to talk to anyone besides his parents. He kept himself away from everyone knowing for sure that none of them had anything to offer him except insults and pain.

And then he’d met the girl on the street. He didn’t think they’d end up becoming friends when he reached up to her to return what was hers. He thought she’d just take the paper and walk away from him like everyone else to save herself from being humiliated. But to his surprise, she didn’t. She actually replied to his question with such innocence and genuineness.

It took Raphael to get to the night to realize that he had actually smiled a full smile in quite a long time at that moment he spoke to her. He had laid in bed and thought about it all night. He could not help but picture that girl’s face. And he ended up scratching her name on his small study table that night using his compass. Every time he sat to study, he’d see the name ‘Alaya’ along with a heart. It was so not like him. But he could not deny even to himself that he wanted to see and meet her more and more.

So he did. And his heart danced the day he realized that even Alaya was making excuses to meet and talk to him. He felt so at peace every time he spoke to her. He felt strong when she encouraged him. He knew that even if everything fell apart, he’d be okay if he had her.

He wanted to tell her. He took so many steps to confess his feelings for her. But couldn’t bring himself to do it, thinking of all the bullies who would go after her if he got associated with her in that way. They were already eyeing them on the bench they’d sit together and his worry about it was only growing. He knew that he would never be able to forgive himself if she got subjected to insults because of him.

Nonetheless he could not stand the idea of losing her to someone else either. As a result, he started working harder than ever before. He got to know from her that her father will only like someone of a higher class and he was determined to reach up to that level. As he worked, he had the dream of building a future together with her. He had so many hopes of being with her that it got almost impossible for him to think about his future without her in it.

But then came the day that shook his heart with fear and pain. He’d overheard a conversation that her friends were having and got to know that she was leaving. He went home in utter sadness and hopelessness. For a moment he wanted to return to his old state but got encouraged when he saw a sketch she had given her.

He ran to the station with the sketch as an excuse, with his heart paining in his chest with every beat. He looked around the station and in the train taking wide steps while feeling his eyes welling up. Then he saw her at a distance. He knew from the look on her face that she wanted to see him too. With a glimmer of hope he’d gone to her and spoke with her. He almost said that he loved her. But could not bring himself to do it, when he realized that she was leaving without even informing him. He would be informed, if he was in fact important to her wouldn’t he? But then again who was he compared to her? They are from two different worlds. How could he have thought that a girl like Alaya would like him? It was only he who was dreaming. Maybe all Alaya had for him was sympathy. He was the one who mistook her kindness for something else. But he just wished she knew. Knew the feelings that he was hiding in his chest just for her. Knew how much it hurt him to see her go. Knew how painful loneliness would be for him from that day, after she had shown him how beautiful of a life lies beyond that.

But none of that came true. He could do nothing but stand there as she said her goodbye and got on the train. She had looked at him even after the train went. But he could not make a single gesture because of how numb he felt due to the pain building up in his chest. He wished all happiness for her, knowing that his love was lost into thin air. Little had Raphael known, that it would come back to his life like a breeze.